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SUBMISSION TO THE JHS 67 CREATIVE WORKS SECTION
For Submission to JHS 67 CREATIVE WORKS
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Wed, Oct 11, 2017 7:45 pm
mlanie1111 (mlanie1111@aol.com)To:you Details
THERE'S A GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL TOMORROW
When you wish upon a star,makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you. We all remember the song Now for some history. Back in 1966. just 10 days after turning 65, the most famous pioneer of the American animation industry and winner of 22 Oscars passed away from lung cancer and was cremated. That's what the public was told. But the truth is that this man, with theme parks all over the world, had his body placed in an induced coma moments before his cardiac arrest was anticipated. His body was instantly subjected to lyophilization (freeze drying) and then cryogenically preserved at minus 150 degrees celsius until hopefully a time in the future would come where his coronary illness could be cured. This man's body has remained at that frigid temperature until recently.
A team of doctors from the Mayonnaise Clinic in Boston, Mass. specially trained in a medical breakthrough called bio-parthogenesis has restored this man who is now in perfect health.except for an enlarged prostate, to the land of the living. Leading the team was none other than the renowned Swedish surgeon, Dr. Frank N. Stern , who has been experimenting in reviving the grateful dead for decades. Due to his team's incredible dexterity and knowledge , they are pleased to welcome back, Walt Disney. This is for real, folks. It is a true Fantastic Voyage. Raquel Welch..eat your heart out. Yes folks, Walt Disney is alive and just as incredible, his Tinkerbell watch is as accurate as the day it was made. Like all Disney watches, they take a licking but keep on ticking.
Unlike the Walking Dead, Walt has all his cognitive faculties intact. He has some trouble walking and using his limbs as doctors had expected. After all, he hasn't used any of those muscles for over 50 years. His diet will need to consist of liquids and soft foods until his esophagul muscles build up strength. Walt was saddened to hear of the death of his wife Lillian who died in 2013 after marrying Cubby, a former Mouseketeer and Walt's two daughters ,one adopted,also passed away in the 1990s. The news that Walt's favorite Mouseketeer, Annette Funicello, had died away brought Walt to tears. Having sex is a no no Doctor's have warned Disney for at least a month. Walt has the hots for that Peter Pan actress,Allison Williams who did a live TV broadcast from Bethpage, Long Island. Walt didn't want to discuss his Fantasy Land at this time but said he needed to go to Walmart to buy some diapers .
Walt Disney cannot wait to meet former Mickey Mouse Club members ,Brittney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and Ryan Gosling. As soon as he's able to, Walt wants to ride the roller coasters at Space Mountain and Big Thunder Mountain at Disneyworld. He wants to visit his theme parks in Hong Kong,Japan, Europe,and everywhere else his fame and name has traveled. Doctors have warned Walt to take it easy and not to expose himself to any stress or sudden sights or sounds. His body movements must be restricted for a while. So the Back To The Future Ride at his competitor's Universal Studios is out of the question. Still, Walt is eager to go on the Spaceship Earth ride and the Avatar Flight of Passage. However, It's a Small World ride might be more of Walt's speed for now or something like the closed Universal's Flying Unicorn. E.T. his doctor's feel would probably be okay.
"Times have certainly changed",Walt Disney was quoted seeing how flabbergasted and amazed at the new technology everywhere since his, let's call it, big sleep. Walt could not believe what was science fiction back in the 50s and 60s is reality today: things like smart phones, ipads, texting,podcasts, instagram, skyping, facebook, selfies, cybercrimes, opioids, hybrid and electric cars and electronic toll booths and when Walt saw what today's computers are like and the speed to know anything at your fingertips, why he was at a loss for words. Robots and androids and automatic toilet bowl cleaners.!!! Walt was just astounded to see the accomplishments of mankind during his 5 decade absence.
Walt Disney has already been swamped with requests to appear on Good Morning America, The View, Dr. Phil, Kelly and Whoever, all those late night talk hows, etc. Mickey Mouse says its 13 o'clock. That's quite a shock. That's my boy. Songs like that and all the"oldies" over the years Walt wants to catch up with. He is eager to hear all the music he has missed.He wants to do the Hustle and Macarena as soon as his limbs can move more comfortably and he wants to see the infinite number of TV shows and movies he has missed especially La La Land.
When told about the White House and our government issues, protests and scandals, continuing wars and terrorism all over the world, Walt's comment was "Sounds like Animal kingdom to me." As far as Walt Disney knows, Tomorrowland is today. Let's all wish him and ourselves a big beautiful tomorrow.
MARK LANE LITTLE NECK, NY
Once upon a time there was a baby owl named Aloysius ,Owly for short. He lived in a zoo in New York City with his father and other siblings. His mother had flown the coop before Owly even hatched to join a traveling circus. Owly was an inquisitive little fellow. He often questioned his father who the family considered a WIse old owl about the world outside the zoo.
Owly asked" Will I ever be worth two in the bush? Am I up early enough to catch the worm? Will I migrate when I grow up? Why can't I fly South like other birds?" His father responded by saying Owly was just one dumb stupid chick, owlet to be more accurate. "You live in a freakin' cage . Where the hell are you going to fly? " he said to Owly.
Owly suffered from insomnia. Perhaps he thought too much about life outside the zoo. He was always tired. He older siblings told him all he needed was a good day's sleep and he would stop having these daymares in the middle of the day. Owly would dream about his notorious gangster uncle, Owl Capone, his great grandfather who was nicknamed the bird man of Owlcatraz, and his favorite iconic hero, Owladdin and his magical lamp. Owly dreamt about going to sea in a beautiful pea green boat with a pussycat who often walked by his cage. He wanted to eat with a runcible spoon instead of chomping down on dead baby mice fed to him by zoo workers.
Owly's father hoped Aloysius would be a chip off the old block, wise and respected like himself but realized his son was his own owl. Owly was unhappy being at the bottom of the pecking order and was often teased by his siblings. He was tired of being the receptacle of all the other owl's pellets. So Owly decided to do something to change the way he was treated and spoken to.
Owly started a rigid exercise program. He began my lifting weights, working out,running, flying in circles around the cage day and night much to the chagrin of his siblings and father. He soon had bulging muscles on his tiny wings. His beak became much sharper than a razor's edge. His glaring eyes became enormous. He took up boxing as a hobby. No one would dare say a cruel word to him. He never rested except for his meals and his ravenous appetite had zoo workers feeding him live rats to devour. Instead of sitting doing nothing to pass the time like the other owls, he would float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. Soon he became an owl respected and admired by all the birds in the zoo. He became known as Muhammed Owly.
MARK LANE LITTLE NECK, NY
FOR SUBMISSION TO THE JHS 67 CREATIVE WORKS SECTION
Once upon a time there was a baby owl named Aloysius ,Owly for short. He lived in a zoo in New York City with his father and other siblings. His mother had flown the coop before Owly even hatched to join a traveling circus. Owly was an inquisitive little fellow. He often questioned his father who the family considered a WIse old owl about the world outside the zoo.
Owly asked" Will I ever be worth two in the bush? Am I up early enough to catch the worm? Will I migrate when I grow up? Why can't I fly South like other birds?" His father responded by saying Owly was just one dumb stupid chick, owlet to be more accurate. "You live in a freakin' cage . Where the hell are you going to fly? " he said to Owly.
Owly suffered from insomnia. Perhaps he thought too much about life outside the zoo. He was always tired. He older siblings told him all he needed was a good day's sleep and he would stop having these daymares in the middle of the day. Owly would dream about his notorious gangster uncle, Owl Capone, his great grandfather who was nicknamed the bird man of Owlcatraz, and his favorite iconic hero, Owladdin and his magical lamp. Owly dreamt about going to sea in a beautiful pea green boat with a pussycat who often walked by his cage. He wanted to eat with a runcible spoon instead of chomping down on dead baby mice fed to him by zoo workers.
Owly's father hoped Aloysius would be a chip off the old block, wise and respected like himself but realized his son was his own owl. Owly was unhappy being at the bottom of the pecking order and was often teased by his siblings. He was tired of being the receptacle of all the other owl's pellets. So Owly decided to do something to change the way he was treated and spoken to.
Owly started a rigid exercise program. He began my lifting weights, working out,running, flying in circles around the cage day and night much to the chagrin of his siblings and father. He soon had bulging muscles on his tiny wings. His beak became much sharper than a razor's edge. His glaring eyes became enormous. He took up boxing as a hobby. No one would dare say a cruel word to him. He never rested except for his meals and his ravenous appetite had zoo workers feeding him live rats to devour. Instead of sitting doing nothing to pass the time like the other owls, he would float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. Soon he became an owl respected and admired by all the birds in the zoo. He became known as Muhammed Owly.
MARK LANE LITTLE NECK, NY
FOR SUBMISSION TO THE JHS 67 CREATIVE WORKS SECTION
The overcrowding conditions of airplane travel may soon be coming to an end. Cramming as many people into jam packed cabins is just not a way to fly. But a solution to this ultimate squeeze may be just on the horizon. Uncomfortable seating of many flights today offer just 28 inches of seat pack leg room with 18 inches of width. The world is not all Twiggy model shapes. Consumers should not be packed into planes like sardines. The airline industry is about to unveil its expanded comfortable seating plan.
Passengers need not fret over whether they'll have an aisle or window seat nor worry about a bratty toddler banging on the back of a seat. Starting in October of 2017,passengers will be permitted to sit on the airplane's wings. This may sound crazy but it's not. With the laws of scientifically shown centripetal force and aerodynamics in place, riding on an airplane wing is even safer than riding in an Amtrack car. Tests have already been done on hundreds of planes with thousands of volunteers ( mostly death row inmates granted their release). Planes will have a strict limit of 24 winged passengers, twelve on each wing.
These brave volunteers found their flying experience to be,on the most part, quite uplifting. The positive feedback from these passengers included feelings of being peaceful, scenic, and some folks expressed the sensation of like having their heads in the clouds. So starting in October of this year, aside from stand by seating,airlines will offer sit by seating. These passengers will be allowed one piece of standard size luggage and one carry on bag which will be inside the plane in the luggage department.
The Federal Aviation Agency and the National Transit Safety Board has approved these secure winged belts that all winged passengers must wear. These belts have even gotten the Good Housekeeping Seal Of Approval. Passengers remain firmly in their seats even if the plane is upside down or in a tailspin and are made of a shark repellent material in case the plane is in the water. Passengers can expect to get a shower of hot water or freezing cold hail depending on the season and location of their flight but these are quick and tend to be enjoyable and sexually stimulating. High flying albatross droppings pose the biggest threat in the friendly skies.
These winged passengers will pay about half the normal airfare but sacrifice stewardess service, TV, in flight meals, but most importantly no bathrooms. For winged guests, it is strongly recommended that they don't eat or drink 12 hours before their flight and use a strong enema 24 hours before as a precaution. In addition, the airlines suggest these riders also wear incontinent diapers like Depends or Poise for their own protection . As the altitude at times might exceed 30,000 feet, passengers with asthma, emphysema, and tuberculosis will not be permitted to ride outside the plane either especially over areas like the Himalayas, Alps, Catskills, or Dante's Peak.
So as the dawn of a revolutionary way of travel embarks on its maiden voyages, it will bring less peer pressure, albeit more ear pressure, and the best and quickest sun tan of their lives to the passengers. Up up and away.
MARK LANE LITTLE NECK,NY
Flopsy The Snowman
used to live in Central Park
where the squirrels played
and the joggers prayed
weren't mugged when it got dark.
Flopsy The Snowman
was a New York resident
and the girls and boys
played with all their toys
wherever Flopsy went.
There must have been
some roughage in
a kid on Flopsy's lap
When Flopsy got up from his bench
his snow was filled with crap.
Dumpety Dump Dump
Dumpety Dump Dump
Oh,Flopsy The Snowman
was a pigeon's toilet bowl
No complaint was heard
when a birdie's turd
plopped inside it's snowy goal.
Flopsy The Snowman
had a friend who was a duck
and went out to play
on a rainy day
right by a garbage truck.
Flopsy The Snowman
didn't feel those tires' crush,
By the time he turned
he was chopped and churned
and is now a frosty slush.
MARK LANE
I'VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO YOUR AGE
(In the tune of "I've Grown Accustomed To Your Face" from My Fair Lady)
I've grown accustomed to your age
although I cannot count that high
and though you try to hide the years
with stretch pants bought at Sears
you can't escape, your brontosaurus shape
It's second nature to me now
to know you're just an old antique
Every time you try to bend
you dislocate your end
you huff, you puff, you gasp, you squeak
I guess it came as no surprise
to be as old as your bra size
but you just never got your act together
as the years went by
The only thing you learned was
how to match my shirt and tie
I've grown accustomed to your age,
although you wear it well
accustomed to your age
I know our neighbors think its odd
you're not retired in Cape Cod
I bet they'd probably like to see
you have the energy
to roam the grounds
of your facility
Your friends all tell you that you're cute
as a descending parachute
and though you try to watch your weight,
that ice cream cake you ate
is just one bite,
to wet your appetite
Your friends still say that you look well
They don't suspect you feel like hell
Too much onions on your hot dog
is a flatulent mistake
that makes your insides rumble
like a San Francisco quake
I've grown accustomed to your age
accustomed to your gray
accustomed to your age
You don't know where the time has gone
You actually used to be a kid
You weren't always in your sixties
you were once a little runt
and though you look much older now
you look the same up front
I've grown accustomed to your age
accustomed to your shape
accustomed to your age.
THE QUICHE THAT WON HER HEART
It was in the early 1980s when my being single escapades found me in Brooklyn where I had decided to attend this singles get-together at some woman's apartment who was the hostess for these small gatherings. This was a change from the bars and clubs and blind dates where people could meet in a more intimate quieter venue. The hostess, I believe I had met in advance.
who provided the opportunity for single people to meet in her apartment for a small fee.
Being the polite,courteous, respectful mensch I was, I thought it would be nice to bring some food to the party,although the hostess provided refreshments . I brought an unusual tasty offering that an acquaintance of mine cooked and sold as a side business...quiches. I brought a crab quiche.
Apparently my quiche aroused the interest of a woman at this gathering I had no interest in. I surmised she wondered who this handsome gentleman was that furnished this noble magnanimous gesture. I believe I was the only person there who brought a gift that evening. I was given her phone number by the hostess in the possibility I might want to contact her. Her name was Sharon. Our phone numbers were not given out without our permission.
I asked out another woman who I thought was attractive. I think we went out just once. Of the several young women at this gathering, I don't recall anyone who really sparked my interest. Sitting and eating wine and cheese and other refreshments in the apartment in a relaxed non pressured environment made it fairly easy even for a usually shy person like myself to be able to talk to strangers.
Eventually, I called this woman named Sharon and something must have clicked as we went out more than once. I really liked Sharon and wanted to impress her and hoped our relationship would continue. We went to see some concert on one of our first dates at the Westbury Music Fair. I don't recall too much about the evening except for our drive home to Queens on the Long Island Expressway.
You see I have this aversion to spiders that I don't divulge to most people. I'd even go as far as to say it's a fear because...well it is. Driving home from Westbury, a rather small spider suddenly appeared traversing my window shield on the inside ! My panic mode emerged. To Sharon's surprise and alarm, I would assume, my arachniphobia had me pulling off on the shoulder of the expressway screaming for Sharon to get out of the car. I got an umbrella out of the trunk to squash the arachnid from a safe distance where I disposed of it by rubbing it on the concrete.
After this unnerving event that tarnished my male libido, I drove Sharon home with neither of us barely uttering a sound,though by her looks,she must have been thinking who the hell is this nut I'm with. I knew I would probably never see Sharon again after that night.
We celebrated our 30th anniversary in August of 2015 at a surprise party given by our daughter at an elegant North shore Long Island restaurant. I suspect my quiche and boyhood charm won out over my fear of spiders back then. We've survived all these years although I'm still anything but unflappable around anything with eight legs.
Mark Lane
Little Neck, New York
We have an unusual houseguest living with us. This little guy can eat us out of house and home with his voracious appetite. But without him, I wouldn't be in the lucrative business I own, selling something very special and hard to procure to several florists, nurseries, and other retail stores that sell garden supplies including Home Depot and Walmart.
Let me explain. I had an uncle who was an entomologist that passed away a few months ago right after an expedition to the Amazon Rain Forest in Brazil. It was shortly after his trip there he gave me a gift. I ,too, have always had an interest in insects like my uncle who had frames of insects in his home, especially beautiful butterflies and moths from around the world. I have had my gift now for about two years and it has brought me wealth and financial security. I named my gift Tommy. You see, Tommy,our houseguest is a termite. !!!
Tommy is not your garden variety termite. He's one of the rarest of rare species of Amazon Termites (Termitoidae Gigantis), that can grow to be several inches long but Tommy is about a foot and a half in length. He lives in our basement now in a metal cage. You can order termites like Tommy at Amazon.com but they rarely exceed a length of more than three inches. Tommy is classified as a super giant . Tommy's life span can range from 15-25 years and according to my uncle, he's only about 5. Tommy's insatiable desire for food is to put simply, ravenous. He'll eat any kind of paper or wood. He loves to eat phone books. In fact he ate our Queens business Yellow Pages in less than a week.
Now you must wonder what happens to all those phone books and saw dust and wood carvings and paper products,etc. that Tommy loves to eat after he digests them. YES. I'm talking about termite poop. The actual term is called "frass", termite pellet droppings. Normally they are very very small, some soft and some dry. In Tommy's case, they are humongous and always dry because of his well balanced nutrients I feed him.
Anyway, frass is used to prevent mildew and fungus on plants. Who knew? You could look it up if you don't believe me. Tommy is the reason my excrement manufacturing business does so well. The demand for premium frass pays its suppliers like myself, quite handsomely, as there is always a shortage of frass. It's just basic economics. In fact, I just rushed an overnight shipment order of Tommy's feces to a Lowes Department store .
I make sure Tommy has a varied diet of out of circulation library books, newspapers, construction paper, shoe boxes, and as a very special treat , I give Tommy a Yule log. With the excitement of Tommy's poops, it always feels like Christmas around here.
Mark Lane Little Neck, NY
FANFARE
With the official start of summer,just days away and already having some annoying hot sticky days and nights that I loathe, I've installed a second ceiling fan in our home. We have a ceiling fan in our kitchen above the kitchen table which cools off the kitchen more than adequately. My wife and I try to avoid using our central air conditioning which can run up huge electric bills cooling off 2 floors plus the basement which really is a waste since we're hardly down there. The room air conditioner in our bedroom serves its purpose without putting on the central air conditioning at night.
Anyway. I checked out the local Lowes and Home Depot and other home furnishing type department and appliance stores and purchased and installed by myself, quite proudly, a ceiling fan in our living room just yesterday. There's just one slight difference from most ceiling fans. I installed it on the floor. !!!!
I did this on a day I was home while my wife was working, making only a few minor cuts in our living room carpet. The circulating air feels fine especially when walking barefoot and this placement of the fan seems to keep any creepy crawlies like ants, spiders, and other multilegged undesirables away. The ceiling fan is about a foot above the carpet floor and so far, we've had just two very slight collisions with our feet. I have a bruise on my ankle walking into the fan at night with the lights off and my wife cut open her big toe but needed just a few stitches at the emergency room of a local hospital and she's fine. In fact, she's got a doctor's note and can be off from work with pay for a couple of days.
While I know,it's not the norm to install a ceiling fan on the floor, the point is,it works just fine. It cools off the room. It can never fall on our heads. it keeps the bugs at bay, even decapitating a low flying house fly, and I'm sure will be a topic of conversation once we have guests visiting and sitting in our living room. I keep a first aid kit and tourniquet near our couch for those clumsy people who don't look down when they walk. I really think this ceiling fan is the best improvement we've made in our home in years
MARK LANE LITTLE NECK, NY
SLOW DOWN,NEW YORK
On November 7th, New York City's reduced speed limit of 25 MPH from 30 MPH will be in effect in about 90% of NYC streets. This safety initiative of Mayor Bill de Blasio is intended to prevent more deaths from vehicular accidents. According to the NYC Dept.of Transportation, a person's chance of being killed is cut in half when hit by a vehicle traveling 25 MPH,rather than 30 MPH.
While a lot of drivers feel this speed limit is too low and in fact increase road rage incidents, ,thousands of 25 MPH signs will be put up starting now well into 2015 and the mayor has said the speed limits will be strictly enforced with fines starting at $150 and points on the speeder's driver's license.
In addition to the vehicle speed limits, other new steps and speed limits are also taking effect on November 7th.
Walking will be limited to 2 MPH, running at 4 MPH,and bicycling, roller skating,and skateboarding at 6MPH. Mayor de Blasio feels these are fair and reasonable measures.
Many runners who competed in the NYC Marathon last week and who run on a daily basis through the city streets in all 5 boroughs are calling these speed limits ridiculous and ludicrous. Penalties if these laws are broken include hefty fines and jail time. The mayor has said that if they need to run,there will be designated parks or on the beach where there are no running restrictions.
There will also be fines for anyone exceeding the 6 MPH limit whether they are jogging, shuffling, treading,or just aimlessly meandering or strolling through the streets of the city. Again, the mayor warns that the police will be out in force to catch these non observing culprits.
As yet there are no restrictions on hopping,skipping, or jumping. For the safety of our citizens ,there will also be no dancing in the streets after sundown. When all these new safety policies in place. New York City will once again be a less dangerous place for the hard working fast paced denizens of this great metropolis.
MARK LANE LITTLE NECK, NY
MY NEW NOVEL
AHOY THERE MATEY
Last Saturday my wife and I went on a 2 hour sightseeing cruise on the Hudson River in New York. Though we are closer to the lower Hudson area, I had to drive into New Jersey, then a bit North back into New York where we met friends at their home who drove us further upstate using two GPS systems to this area called Newburgh for our exciting cruise. My wife and her female friend both took sea sickness pills an hour before our boat.(.or is it a ship?) began its journey.
While part of the tour was a pre-recorded narration, our captain pointed out several sights which I must have missed. He directed us to look out the starboard side..then later the port side. Now I'm no Captain Ahab and know nothing about boating directions.What's wrong with right or left? Either way, I saw nothing but water and hills and grass. Did you see West Point? Yeah. like I saw West Point. Did you see the castle we passed ? What castle? I'd prefer to stop at White Castle for some burgers and onion rings.
I never saw the mountains or some tower supposedly used in the 1939 Wizard of Oz movie where the wicked witch lived. Our captain pointed out a barge filled with sand we passed going in the other direction. ..YES. This was the highlight of our sightseeing..for $20 per person which included our senior discount.
At least I got to wear my sunglasses. The weather was sunny and we sat on the upper deck for most of our sightseeing cruise. But as far as sightseeing
..I see more sights in my bathtub..and that includes parts of me.
We did have some entertainment..some freaky looking guy who kept singing Happy Birthday and Happy Anniversary and even Happy Engagement while strumming on his guitar to some couples and individuals celebrating their respective special days on this memorable cruise. At least I didn't end up on Gilligan's Island. I don't think I could stand the boredom I would have encountered for even one day.
Mark Lane Little Neck, NY
With this summer's health threats of the Ebola and mosquito transmitted Chikungunya virus, another menace to society is causing great concern. A tiny insect is instilling fear into the livelihood of musicians as it appears spreading along the Northeastern states. It is the reason that the Boston Pops Orchestra has canceled performances in New York City and the Berkshires in Massachusetts. The culprit is none other than the Drosophila Sousa...more commonly known as the flute fly.
This tiny insect reproduces at astonishing rates. One flute fly can lay up to 500 eggs and within hatching after 48 hours, the flute fly maggots love nothing better than burrowing into and devouring the bamboo,cedar,and Brazilian Rosewood used by many of the world's most accomplished flautists. A wooden flute is the only choice of many musicians. While orchestra and band leaders have recommended they switch to a flute made of silver, brass, platinum, nickel, and even gold...most musicians feel the wooden sounds are much superior. For some reason ,clarinets and oboes seem to be immune from any flute fly inhabitants.
Pest control experts are working around the clock to come up with a method to kill the flute fly larvae without damaging the flutes. In Rhode Island, government officials are discussing the alarming possibility of the cancellation of the very festive and pompous Pawtucket Piccolo Parade on Labor Day.
Mark Lane Little Neck, NY
Hello mudda hello faddah.Here I am at camp Granada. Camp is very entertaining and they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining. Guess what ? I've decided to go to sleep away camp this summer..for just 3 weeks. This will be my first time away from home since my first semester at the State University at Farmingdale on Long Island where I lived in someone's upstairs bedroom off campus. I never lacked going to day camp growing up. I went to places on Long Island like Robin Hood and Sands Point and Merrick Woods and Shibley. But I always came home every night except once when our bus driver had us stay overnight on the bus while he engaged in a threesome at some sleazy motel.
But this will be my time.. not a club med or club getaway at some all inclusive paradise resort for me and my wife. No..this is my time..Think of it. Arts and crafts. wood shop. water skiing, swimming, sleeping in a tent, rock climbing. I had looked into where we sent our daughter many years ago...Camp Quagmire in upstate NY where she really matured. It was a 2 hour trip off the New York State Thruway. Our daughter loved it. Maybe I'd even have her counselors? But then I read about all the mass suicide cults, rapes, heroin overdoses, drownings, arboreal forest entity sacrifices, and accidental shootings at Camp Quagmire so I researched another camp in nearby Pennsylvania .. Camp Skunk Cabbage. I knew immediately that this is the camp for me. There's even a gluten free menu and an on site urologist and gerontologist.
My wife and daughter can visit me on visitor's day in mid August . My wife says this sleep away camp idea is very irresponsible of me. How can I neglect my work? my family? my parental obligations? The lady doth protest too much,me thinks. Big deal if I don't work for a couple of weeks. What's the point of having a savings if I can't use our money? I just want to get in touch with nature, see stars at night not seen clearly because of our city lights..real stars, not some old comics like Don Rickles or Joan Rivers on Long Island..see real forest animals, sing campfire songs,roast marshmallows on a dirty stick, maybe catch a froggy. I even hear Camp Skunk Cabbage is often filled with rabid carnivorous raccoons that run rampant throughout the camp site and campers can win free brownie points by killing them. Camp starts for me after the first weekend in August. .I'm taking a leave of absence from work. My job supervisor thinks it's a great idea and has encouraged me to learn to play with others. Oh Boy. I can't wait.
Mark Lane Little Neck, NY
FROM MARK LANE
My wife and I are getting visitors from all over the world to see the tree in our backyard. It's a giant redwood that we planted decades ago. While this tree thrives in the moist humid climate of the Northern California coast, this redwood is blossoming in our backyard here in Queens, New York. !!
The tree has been pampered with TLC ever since it was a sapling with cool crisp Poland Spring Water and plenty of nutrients I've bought at Home Depot and even worms to aerate the soil. Our little baby is still growing according to some world leading botanists who have examined it. It is now almost 350 feet tall with branches over 150 feet.
We've had problems with our neighbors on both sides of our home complaining the branches produce too much shade plus they get bombarded with acorns on their properties. Also we've had to remove our entire patio as the tree trunk has widened every year and is now almost 40 feet wide. Our giant redwood is the home of several dozen nests of various species of birds. Ants, bees, and a plethora of insects, arachnids, and arthropods also call our tree home plus squirrels, an owl, and a pussycat. We also have the only family of bald eagles living in Queens nesting several hundred feet up in our tree.
Our home has been visited by countless celebrities over the past few years. They include Martha Meade, Johnny Weismuller, Jim Fowler, Paul Hogan, Steve Irwin, Macaulay Culkin, Errol Flynn, Bomba The Jungle Boy, and Mougli Wolf.
My wife and I started charging admission to see our prized tree up close and the money will help send our daughter to the Forestry College in Syracuse, New York. I'd have to say we are doing quite well financially now with our skyrocketing sales of the giant acorns that can be purchased in supermarkets around the nation. We even received a lucrative offer from Rockefeller Center to use our giant redwood for the Christmas Tree lighting ceremony this year. Let them schlep it from Connecticut again. Our cash cow is staying in our backyard. My only fear is that lightning doesn't strike our tree. But we are well insured....from the Ben Franklin Company.
MARK LANE
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SLIP SLIDING AWAY
Roller coaster riders have met their match. Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida is delighted to announce the opening of the world's longest sliding pond making its debut this Memorial Day weekend. Move over racing car fans. Tickets can be purchased starting May 1st at "Burning My Ass Off".com. (BMAO.com). Be prepared to delve deep into your bank account to ride this incredible sliding pond.
The width of the sliding pond is no wider than 4 feet at any point to insure the safety of the slider by minimizing bouncing off the railing from the very top of the 2,640 foot sliding surface. You read correctly.That's one half mile, Any higher and special oxygen masks would be required increasing the cost dramatically as well as creating the possibility of sea gull accidents. The sliding pond is cylindrical and tubular at critical areas along the route as it descends to prevent falls. Riders will sit in a cushiony pillow sack to reduce friction and protect clothing.
As the sliding pond rider gains speed, he or she, will enjoy the centripetal and tangential acceleration forces. As we know from Newton's Second Law,(or don't know), the mass of the slider's body could approach the speed of light and become increasingly large with relativistic effects....BUT no need to worry. Through exhaustive tests and trial runs, top speed on this super sliding pond will go no faster than 150 miles per hour at best.
Children younger than 3. adults over 90, and folks taking blood thinners, have air borne allergies, or have acrophobia are advised not to ride on the world's longest sliding pond. All sliders must sign a medical disclaimer before starting their slide plus notify next of kin before they begin.
In addition to the world's longest sliding pond, Universal Studios is proud to announce the opening of a new playground area for folks with bi-polar disorders with the latest design of elevated "mood swings.".
YOU CALL THAT NEWS?
Living in New York, I'm accustomed to watching news on TV and growing up with news broadcasters whose names and faces most New Yorkers would recognize. When my wife and I travel to our 2nd home about two and a half hours from our Long Island home in the Pocono mountains in Pennsylvania, the news I watch on TV is significantly different.
Sure there's not every day murders and kidnappings and rapings like here in NY and other crimes and politics and scandals and transportation,education, sports, weather, economic, and a myriad of other noteworthy issues, but when staying in our Pocono home, (about one weekend a month), why is the top story on every news station about a county fair or fireman's ball or an all you can eat pancake function?
It really irks me that these boring zombie like news anchormen and women don't even mention important national interest news that affect most Americans. The Lackawanna Blue Ribbon Apple Pie contestants take precedence over our president. Sports? World Series? Superbowl? Forget about it. Sure, I don't expect the NY sports to dominate the Pennsylvania channels, but must I endure listening to news about the fishing tournament at Lake Wallenpupack or the Naomi High School football schedule?
Don't get me wrong. I love getting away from our congested area, away from the traffic on the Long Island Expressway to our bucolic gated community where I can see deer, chipmunks, wild turkeys instead of pigeons, squirrels, and dog poop everywhere you walk. The Pocono area is huge. It is not so isolated now with so many people relocating there . Granted, it's not New York City, but is a new goat at a petting zoo headline news?
An asteroid the size of Texas can be on collision course with our planet in a couple of days,California could have sunk due to an earthquake, Congress might have declared war on Switzerland, aliens from Alpha Centauri could be focusing death rays on Times Square, Lindsay Lohan might have been arrested again for lewd behavior, a new avarian flu can be killing millions worldwide, the lost continent of Atlantis might have surfaced in Coney Island, Brooklyn......BUT on our Pocono news on TV, the feature story is the Cresco Pretzel Factory giving out free samples. Bon Appetit.
Mark Lane Little Neck, NY
In an unprecedented act two days ago, President Obama declared war on Denmark citing how Haagendazs ice cream has caused serious problems of increasing obesity and girth. The President feels bombing the factories there will greatly benefit U.S. citizens. However, dessert experts in Congress have delayed any hostile acts against Denmark. They have informed our President that the map of Denmark on the Haagendazs containers has nothing to do with that country..an easy mistake to be sure. Health officials discovered that Haagendazs ice cream started in Da Bronx, NY.
So now,the President has targeted other areas like Hershey,Pennsylvania to be nuked. All those high fat chocolate bars and kisses must go. The President has vowed to do whatever he can to fight obesity and win the battle of the bulge. One other area soon to be targeted for destruction is the state of Vermont. The home of Ben & Jerrys is a health threat to all of humanity. Then there is all that high caloric syrup waiting to cause strokes,heart attacks, and diabetes.Do we really need all those trees? "I think not" was quoted the President talking to forest rangers. "Except for some ski areas and scenic green mountains,Vermont is not a viable state", remarked the President. "Besides.no one knows how to spell or pronounce Montpelier anyway."
MARK LANE LITTLE NECK, NY
There was a street wise guy from Williamburg Brooklyn. A man once said to him,you look like a very smart man. Where did you go to college? The wise guy said CURB SIDE U, other guy says never heard of it. The wise guys says it tuition free. The other guys says how do gain admission.? The wise guy looks at the guy. Ya see dis curb, you park your kids ass right there. tell him don`t move till I get back, talk to no one, do not stare at anyone, just watch and keep your eyes open. The old guys says, what course is that? The wise guy says STREET SMARTS, you would be surprised how far so many of the kids from Deepdale and Beechhils went. The wise guy was my dad Louis Markowitz, he sent me to CURB SIDE U when we lived in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Some guy says to me you rich? NAH A MADE A GOOD LIVING. The son Warren retired to Delray Beach ,Fl. at 53 to enjoy the fruits of his education
Warren Markowitz
ENTRY FROM MARK LANE
On a recent evening, while switching through the excessive TV stations of nonsensical reality and game shows,I paused at one of the educational channels. It was showing some footage of long closed Roosevelt Raceway here on Long Island plus a segment on the Roosevelt Raceway Flea Market . I had spent many Sundays there with my wife buying discount clothing and some of the best cheesecake in new York years ago.
I knew my wife would be interested in viewing some of her fond memories of shopping there so I went into her bedroom where she was watching TV. I told her to switch to the Roosevelt raceway Flea Market on another channel. She was watching Ellen Degeneres. Well, Ellen was dancing on the stage and in the audience. Could my wife bare to stop viewing something so important. ? Could she switch channels for just a few moments to see some footage of our favorite flea market. ? Apparently not. After a few seconds of indecision and panic I saw on her face, I said "What's it gonna be? Ellen or Roosevelt.
MARK LANE Douglaston, NY
ENTRY FROM CATHY LADMAN
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My father owned a bowling alley for pretty much my whole life, and, because of that, people have always expected me to be a great bowler. I wasn’t. The bowling alley (or “the place,” as we in my family called it) was in Massapequa Park, which was 25 miles away from our home in Little Neck, so we rarely got to go.
When we did go there, it was a real treat. When I was young, between third and sixth grades, I probably got to go at least twice a year. I could choose a friend, we would pick her up really early on Saturday morning, about 7:30, and we’d drive to Massapequa Park in my dad’s Volvo.
My dad loved owning a Volvo. He owned many of them. He was very proud of those cars. He would tell us that there’s no car as good or as safe as a Volvo. He would extol its virtues, all the while laying out the rules of what we were permitted touch in the Volvo and what we needed to completely avoid going anywhere near. One of the big verboten items was the delicate fabric over our heads that lined the interior roof of the car. It was called “the headliner” – different from the headliner that I would later become – and my dad would yell at us constantly: “Hey, look out! I told you to be careful of the headliner! You know you’re not supposed to touch the headliner! If you tear that, it can’t be fixed! It costs $150 to replace!” (Oh my god, the fucking headliner again)! I could easily shift his attention by asking him to demonstrate the seatbelts for us. They were the kind that would help you to stop short if the car had to come to a sudden stop. I forget what that feature is called, but, in the ‘60’s, that was a pretty rare option on a car, and my dad loved to demonstrate its effectiveness by wearing the seatbelt and then pulling on it very suddenly to make it stop. “See? See? See how it stops?” he said as he jerked at it five or ten times. Of course I saw it. You’ve shown me a million times, I thought. But I just nodded and smiled.
When we arrived at the place, there was plenty to do for the ten hours that we’d be there, and it was all fun. My friend and I helped to rent out shoes and assign lanes to customers. We worked behind the food counter, and we could serve ourselves whatever we wanted. (Soda on tap)! My dad would make us lunch, usually with an egg cream or a malted, and we would eat it in the empty bar and watch the color TV, which was especially a big treat because we didn’t have a color TV at home yet, not for many years thereafter. We got to bowl a couple of games ourselves, and towards the end of the day, my dad would open the vending machine and let us take out a free snack. I always went for the barbecue potato chips or, as I called them, “bad breath potato chips.”
At some point in the late afternoon, I would observe my father did something which initially filled me with awe, but soon came back to bite me in the ass. He would walk up to a group of teenagers, who were generally smoking cigarettes, while just sitting at a table. My dad had a certain swagger of self-confidence as he approached, and I knew what was coming.
“Excuse me, are you bowling here?” my dad asked, already knowing the answer.
One of the kids replied, “No, we’re just, you know, hanging out.”
And my dad said, “We don’t allow hanging out here. You going to have to leave.” And he would verbally usher them towards the entrance/exit.
Part of me was impressed with my dad’s confidence, and also with his ability to keep his business running the way he wanted it to. He took a lot of pride in everything he did and touched. There was nothing random about my dad.
But I also soon learned how this would impact me as I approached my teenage years. My dad said that he didn’t like “that element” at the place and that he found “those kids” to be “arrogant.” It was clear from hearing him retell more events like this one that he didn’t like teenagers. He said so, in so many words. There was not one positive adjective that my dad ever used to describe teenagers. And the more he encountered them at the bowling alley, the more determined he was that I not follow in those arrogant footsteps.
That’s what he always said. “Arrogant.” That was the catchall adjective that he used for teenagers. And, as a result, I was prevented from doing a lot of things with my friends.
Sometimes my friends would go to the candy store at the bottom of the hill to “hang out.” Well, forget that. Once it was clear to my father that the main goal of the activity was “hanging out,” there was to be none of that. Sometimes my friends were going to the Italian restaurant a couple of doors down from candy store. It was called Fra Diavolo, or, as we kids called it, “Fra.” It was out of the question for me to go there. Why? I’m not quite sure. One time I referred to the restaurant as “Fra” when I was talking to my parents, and my father exploded. “Don’t you call it that! Don’t say ‘Fra!’ Say the whole name! How are we supposed to know what you’re talking about? It’s arrogant!”
Geez. I’m thinking, “If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then how did you know there was more to the name than Fra?” Of course, I would never have dared to say this out loud to my father. That would have been suicide, or invited homicide. But to my father, it all fell under the same umbrella, as “arrogant.”
I really think he just did not want me to be a teenager, to be allowed any sort of self-expression, which is what being a teenager is all about. To stumble and fall and grope and hit and miss. He wouldn’t even allow me to close my bedroom door. He threatened to take it off the hinges. Crazy. Ridiculous. There are so many examples of this and, honestly, many of them have faded away from my memory. But a few remain fresh and acute. In fact, they almost still sting, even at my age, now 57. Does this speak to my inability to let go and move on? Yes, I think so. It’s admittedly not my area of strength. But I think that it also speaks to how an incident from childhood can be so damaging and even irreversible.
When I was about 14, I started wearing some make up. Not a lot. I wasn’t that type. Yardley of London was THE brand to wear. It was the age of Twiggy, and the style for eye make-up was to wear this product called Glimmerick. It came in a round pan of pressed powdered color, white, yellow or pale blue. You’d wet an eyeliner brush and get some Glimmerick on the brush, and then line your top lid, in a thick line at the lash. Then, you’d line the lid in black or dark brown, very thinly, very close to the lash line. Then, when the Glimmerick was dry, I would take a dry Q-Tip and brush some of the color away so that it was a subtler look. It was all about application and finesse and fine-tuning.
And, of course, I was wearing bell-bottoms. It was about 1969. Big bells, elephant bells, we called them. The style was to wear them really long, so that they were dragging on the ground. Eventually, they would just tear off at the bottom. You never shortened blue jean/dungaree bellbottoms; you eroded them to the perfect length.
My father hated this, too. What a surprise. Lucky for me he usually wasn’t around when I was leaving for school, but, occasionally, there were times that he was. I would try to leave the house surreptitiously, but he was too sharp. First he demanded that I step outside, into the sunlight, so that he could examine my eye makeup. “Wash that stuff off! You’re not going out looking like that!”
Then he would demand that I stand on the top step of the stairs that separated the living room level and the bedroom level in our split-level home. So I did, of course, because he was really scary, and if my bells touched the floor, he would make me change my clothes. He would let loose a few times with the word “arrogant” during his angry tirade, just to drive his point home, like he needed it. I would always do my best to keep my pants from touching the floor, squeeze my upper thighs together so that I could hike them up slightly higher, but it didn’t always work. If he saw my bells touching the floor, I would then have to change into something less offending. And there was nothing worse for a girl my age than having bells that were too short.
Yes, that was life throughout high school for me. I don’t recall going to parties, going out with friends, or even having friends. I went through high school with my eyes to the ground and doing well in my studies. Not brilliantly, but very well.
When I heard that it was possible to graduate in January as opposed to June, I immediately jumped on it. I spoke to my mom about it, and she didn’t like the idea. I was already young, having an October birthday and having entered kindergarten when I was four. Then I took the two-year SP (“special progress”) in junior high, so I was fifteen throughout most of 11th grade. I begged her to let me do it, and she knew how difficult it had been for me to be under my father’s rule.
She finally acquiesced. I set the wheels in motion, and I graduated high school in January of ’72 when I was barely 16. I finished high school on a Friday, spent Saturday and Sunday packing, and I went up to Albany, N.Y. on Monday to begin college. There were only two days between high school and college for me, but the difference in my life was astronomical. I was finally on my own, making my own decisions, beginning to carve out my own destiny. Not all of it turned out great, but does it ever all turn out great? It began to shape me with love instead of fear, attraction rather than avoidance, and never, ever a pair of short bellbottoms ever again.
. ENTRY FROM MARK LANE
JHS creative writing section. Hope all is well with you so far this summer. MARK
'I'm having a delayed reaction". That's what I told my wife about 24 hours after I had a CT scan of my abdomen and pelvic area the day before. I was experiencing some dull aches in that area and my doctor advised me to get this CT scan which fortunately showed nothing alarming. When I was getting the CT scan, a dye had to be injected through an IV and the technician said I would experience a feeling of warmth and flushness . But that never happened.
Now driving on a highway, a day later, I could feel this uncomfortable increasingly warm sensation in my groin area. It got so burning hot I kept looking down at my pants and told my wife I would have to pull over. It was then she realized the heated seat I was sitting on she had put on HIGH. Goodness Gracious. great balls of fire. !!
Mark Lane Douglaston, New York
SNACK ATTACK
When I heard the tragic news,I became numb. I was in a state of shock. This could not be true. I was dumfounded. I still can't believe it. No more Ding Dongs, or my insatiable Hostess Cup Cakes. But the sad fact is that Hostess is closing. Over 18,000 workers in factories and bakeries will lose their jobs.
While I do feel bad about them, my question to you is: WHAT ABOUT ME? My main source of nutrition comes from fast food restaurants, greasy cholesterol laden fried foods, pizza, and donuts , all supplemented by my snacks and desserts from Hostess. I need my Ding Dongs and Sno Balls and Zingers and Twinkies. What is life without a Twinkie?
Ding Dongs and Ring Dings: a rose by any other name would smell as sweet or taste as chocolaty . Ring Dings are a product of the subsidiary Drake Company. But my trained palate knows a Ding Dong from a Ring Ding.
I've spent the past two days and nights shopping in supermarkets hoarding everyone of my favorite Hostess snacks in our basement. I've stuffed my wife's Lladro collection in our attic to make room. I've even paid off a Hostess truck driver handsomely for all the contents on his route. Sure,the stores won't get this delivery but who the hell cares. Let them buy Nabisco cookies. The driver told me I can freeze them and my Hostess snacks will stay fresh in our industrial freezer in our garage. My wife only has some Italian ices and ice cream in there now.
Indeed this is a bad time for our nation. It is a scary situation. But I'll survive knowing I have the Hostess with the Mostess.
MARK LANE DOUGLASTON,NY
#3 SUBMISSION OF POETRY FROM DON ROSENTHAL
City Visits
By Don Rosenthal
The white moonlight
Sifted through the dirt on the window
Found a hole in the shade
Perched itself on the faded fabric and waited
And waited
Then
it touched us
As we lay
Half asleep
Half in love
On E. 63rd Street
--------
I slowly fell asleep
With my glass of
Coca-cola on the side table
That doubled as a night table
And doubled as a reading table
And doubled as our only table
That round metropolitan swim trap
That in the morning
No doubt
Would find
One of my resident cock-a-roaches
Out for its morning swim
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3. SAMPLE OF A CHILD IS TORN
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